How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.