walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
That’s not how days work.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?