Facebook Twitter
You Might Also Like
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.