I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes