I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
eggs benadryl
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I think we should hear other voices.