Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?