I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.