When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Gods work.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.