Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Tremendous stuff
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
house sitting!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
We’ve all been there
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?