ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
You Might Also Like
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I occasionally drink every single night.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant