It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
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If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Breaking news:
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Brands during Pride
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.