Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Good advice.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Rambo Rambow
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.