“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You Might Also Like
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Human are so complicated
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
do u think theres a butter planet?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
thank god
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish