It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)