[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
You Might Also Like
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
President The Rock Obama
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.