I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs