My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.