I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Breaking news:
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.