spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
another case of gang violins
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back