My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.