BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
When you don’t understand how floors work
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
work smarter, not harder
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song