*swipes right on my hand mirror
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Hard not to take this personally
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂