Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
all bases covered
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.