No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose