Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.