When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you