Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Guantanamo Bae
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord