Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You Might Also Like
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
The symmetry is uncanny.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?