You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
dam girl
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning