“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg