My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
set yourself free xox
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie