Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*