Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
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If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.