What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.