Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
No chill.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee