I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Don’t snitch tag.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Wednesday
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Lube but for my dry humor.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.