I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Morning my dudes.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐