Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I’d love this…lol
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no