*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
only 11 steps left
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs