Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.