[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It鈥檚 all about listening to your body
My body: I鈥檓 begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what鈥檚 that? More cheese?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I hope my company doesn’t馃槀馃槀
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree