Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
You Might Also Like
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
This kinda thing happens to me often
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
#dalle2
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat