Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Battery falling down a hole
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.