[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
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I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.