I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book