Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.