[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.