I can’t deal with men any longer
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I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep