ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*