My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing